Some time ago a friend called "▯▯▯▯▯" I used to talk to in school killed himself.
We didnt really talk after school has ended yet I felt like I took it worst then some of his not so close friends.
▯▯▯▯▯ was a single child and the thought about his parents broke my heart (it still does).
I belive that the reason I took this so hard was because this was my acquaintance with death.
I felt like I wanted to give his parents something so I decided I will paint a portrait of him and give it to them.
As I started working on the portrait the felling of unease faded. I stopped really looking at him as a person, just as stains of yellow ocher and cadmium red.
To give you a point of refrence shortly after I started the painting I started cring for 20 minutes. But towards the end I didnt feel a thing when I showed a close friend of ▯▯▯▯▯ the painting he said he had goosebumps.
now a day after I finished the painting I am looking at it and I see him but the feeling of unease returned.
This painting was holding me back from moving on, I saw my friends moving on and felt like I could otherwise move on too.
I have finished the yesterday - 13 hours from writing this.
I am feeling the same feeling in my chest as I felt 10 minutes after I heared about his death
I dont know if this feeling is caused by the huge burden this painting had on me that is now gone - filled with empty space.
The burnout, or somthing alse.
Tommorow I will give his parents the painting, I have no doubt in my mind they will like it.
I hope perhaps this will help with the hole living in my chest.
I thought finishing the painting will grant me salvation.
But it has left me more confused and harmed.
During the painting I thought alot about ▯▯▯▯▯, may he rest in peace and god rest his soul.